25 Things NOT To Do At A Death Eater Meeting
by LovesRickman
Summary: If you ever get invited to a Death Eater meeting, here are some handy hints!


25 Things NOT To Do At A Death Eater Meeting

Disclaimer: Nope, none of the HP characters/events/scenes belong to me. If they did, book 7 would have turned out VERY differently!

1. Do not ask Voldemort if he's ever considered joining the 'Hair Club For Men'.

If you do, you had better be damn fast with a "Protego"!

2. Do not ask Lucius Malfoy what shade of "Miss Clairol" he uses OR advise him that it is time to get his roots touched up.

Chances are he will curse you bald, assuming that he doesn't just kill you on the spot!

3. Don't sneak up behind Nagini and yell "MONGOOSE!"

You WILL get bitten for it.

4. Don't mention rattraps around Wormtail.

He will only cry like the cowardly sissy that he is.

5. Don't ask Bellatrix if it's true she had the hots for James Potter.

She will just deny it. She would be lying but hey she IS a Death Eater.

6. Don't ask Snape that either!

He will just deny it as well and then hex your arse into next week.

7. It isn't polite to tell Bellatrix that she puts the "Ho" in Horcruxes.

Not only does she already know that, she's PROUD of it!

8. Don't ask Narcissa if it is true that she wasn't sure at first if Snape fathered Draco or if Lucius did.

She just turns red and walks off in a huff.

9. Yelling "Gryffindors Rule; Slytherins Drool!" is a really bad idea.

You will get hit with Avada Kedavra by at least 5 different people simultaneously!

10. Do not ask Voldemort if it is true that deep down inside he is scared of Harry Potter.

You will be fed to Nagini.

11. Insinuating that Voldemort wants Albus Dumbledore's wand alright…but the one he is after is not necessarily the Hallowed Elder wand is quite dangerous.

A comment like that will also have you fed to Nagini.

12. Do not ask Wormtail if it is true that Voldemort promised him a life sized habitrail in exchange for assisting him in regaining his body.

He just turns red and giggles.

13. Don't ask Crabbe or Goyle if it is true their family trees don't have any branches.

Actually, you probably COULD get away with this one. By the time those idiots figured out what you meant, you would have had plenty of time to make your escape.

14. Don't insinuate that the reason Voldemort wants to take over the Wizarding world is because he is overcompensating for a "little' problem.

Not only will he kill you for that comment he will make it an even more painful death by first by flashing you to show he doesn't have a "little" problem; at least not in HIS opinion.

15. Do not ask Snape if it is true that his momma really DID wear combat boots.

Teasing someone about their momma is too low for even for this list

16. When standing in the ceremonial circle around Voldemort during meetings, do NOT attempt to liven things up by suggesting a rousing game like "The Farmer In the Dell" or the "Hokey-Pokey".

If you do, most likely your hokey will be poked and your cheese fried!

17. Do not ask Snape if it true that werewolves make him horny.

You will be turned into potion ingredients

18. Don't offer Voldemort a bottle of Visine so he can clear up that awful red in his eyes.

You will be up the creek sans paddle.

19. Do not offer Lucius a set of tap shoes to go with that cane of his and ask him to do a little dance.

He might just hit you with that cane; snake end first!

20. Don't suggest anger management classes for Voldemort. He might need them but he won't appreciate you pointing that little fact out to him

Can you say "Avada Kedavra"?!

21. Do not pass around that picture you found of Voldemort wearing nothing but a green and silver feather boa and pink bunny slippers.

He will only get angry and defensive and zap you into a little pile of ashes.

22. Don't tell Lucius how pretty his hair would be if he French braided it.

He might just bitch-slap you!

23. Don't ask Draco if it is true that he has a huge crush on Hermione.

That is SUPPOSED to be a secret!

24. Don't ask him if it is true that Moaning Myrtle regularly joins him for a frolic in the Prefect's Bathroom.

That's supposed to be a secret TOO.

25. Don't tell Nagini what a lovely pair of boots, gloves, belt, purse, etc she would make.

She will take that as a threat and act accordingly.

BONUS:

26. Do not ask Voldemort if his mother was psychic and that is why she didn't survive his birth because she knew what a arsehole he was going to turn into.

See answer to #15…Moms are sacred even if you grow up to be a megalomaniac jerk!

A/N : Wow, can't believe how long it's been since I've written any fanfics! I blame it all on my pain meds and depression lingering from book 7. Thanks to my sweet Aery for the beta and for suggesting #26! Love ya sweetie!


End file.
